The Sprout of Music
2005-01-15
The phenomenon that is 2000 AD has crossed over into many
different media, including toys, novels, movies, computer games, board games, and even comics. But
not, until now, musical theatre! Yes, tonight, ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls, fish and chips,
the one and lonely Sprout brings you the fabulous, the stupendous, the embarrassingly
cringe-worthy... 2000 AD - the Musical!
A note from the lyricist:
As you'll see from below, each of these songs is to be sung to a popular tune. It might take you a
couple of goes to get the pacing right, but trust me, the lyrics do fit the tunes (though
you'll probably have to push it a bit here and there).
A further note from the lyricist: To get the full effect of these masterpieces, you should organise a band and some backing singers. Failing that, purchase some karaoke disks that contain the appropriate songs. And failing that, simply find any old version of the songs and sing the new lyrics loud enough to drown out the original singer. Remember: louder is always better!
A final note from the lyricist: Ideally for a musical theatre production, there would be more than the five songs listed here, and there would also be, like, dialogue and stage directions and stuff. However, I can't be bothered doing them myself, so feel free to add your own songs and write your own play around them. But if you even consider performing any of my songs in public without my written permission, well, then you're even sadder than I am.
And so, without further doo-doo, on with the show!
(To the tune of "My Favourite Things" from The Sound of Music)
Clones, bounty hunters and psychics and demons
Robots and judges and warp-spasming he-men
Flesh-eating monsters with multiple kills
These are a few of my favourite thrills
Cyborgs and zombies and much radiation
Nutters with shotguns and big gladiators
Hovercraft, jetpacks and big motorbikes
These are a few of the things that I like
Thirty-two pages and some clever writing
Colourful artwork to show all the fighting
Alien editor; half-man, half-frog
These are a few of my favourite progs
When I'm locked up
When I'm tortured
And the numbness fades
I simply think back to my favourite thrills
And then I don't feel so dazed
Johnny Alpha
(To the tune of "Greased Lightning" from Grease)
[Spoken] Why, this man is radiated!
He's nucleated!
Yes, he's mutated!
Why, he's Johnny Alpha!
(Johnny Alpha)
He's a mutant bounty hunter with x-ray eyes, oh yeah
(Keep shooting, whoa keep shooting!)
He gets a lot of money tracking down bad guys, oh yeah
(Search and destroy, oh search and destroy!)
He's got lots of curly hair and a very blank-eyed stare
And he can scan your brain, drive a criminal insane
Johnny Alpha!
Strontium Dog - you never let them get away
(Johnny Alpha, the bounty hunter!)
You're an SD agent, yeah that's what you do all day
With rugged looks,
And electronux
You're Johnny Alpha!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
A Viking partner armed with a hammer, oh yeah
A four-armed gronk with an irritating stammer, oh yeah
With your time-drogues, bombs and guns, ain't no doubt you're number one
Johnny Alpha!
Schicklegruber, Max Bubba, Kreelman and more
(Bunch of bad guys, what a bunch of bad guys!)
Went after them with a fury that they couldn't ignore
And all the rest, yeah you're the best - Johnny Alpha!
Strontium Dog, I heard you got killed one day
(Great big monster - ate our John, sir!)
That didn't stop you: looks like you're here to stay
It wrecks my head, back from the dead - Johnny Alpha!
Alpha, Alpha, Alpha
Alpha, Alpha, Alpha
Alpha!
Sinister Dexter
(To the tune of "Only the Lonely" as performed by Roy Orbison)
Blam-blam-blam-blamblam-kaboom
Ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-arrgh!
Sinister Dexter
Sinister Dexter
Sinister Dexter (blam-blam-blam-blamblam
Kill when the price is right (ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah)
Sinister Dexter (blam-blam-blam-blamblam
Skin of blue, eyes of white (blam-blam-blam-blamblam
They shot my baby
Right through the heart
A dum-dum bullet
She's blown apart
But Sinister Dexter
Know why
I cry
Sinister Dexter
Blam-blam-blam-blamblam-kaboom
Ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-arrgh!
Sinister Dexter
Sinister Dexter
Sinister Dexter
Yeah you shot her through and through
Sinister Dexter
But it was me who hired you
Thought I'd inherit
Her huge estate
Her lawyer won't share it
Now I can't pay - I think I'm next
On these gun sharks' hit list
Sinister Dexter
Blam-blam-blam-blamblam-kaboom
Dan Dare
(To the tune of "Hound Dog" as performed by Elvis Presley)
Whatever happened to Dan Dare?
Gone twenty years and more
Don't forget his buddy Sondar
And the Cosmic Claw
Dropped half-way through a story
The end of which we never saw
Tharg promised Dan would return
To clear his name of crime
But I think the lesson I learned
Is that it was just a line:
Dan might be smarter than the Mekon
But now his biggest enemy is time
Judge Dredd's a Dutiful Lawman
(To the tune of "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" from Oklahoma)
He's the best there is of all the Judges
His stance on the Law never budges
Watch out all you perps and delinquent juves
For soon you'll be spending some time in the cubes...
Chorus: Judge Dredd is a dutiful lawman, works twenty-four hours a day
If you've committed a cri-ime, he's going to put you away
There's none on the force who can match him
Whoever he's after, he'll catch 'em
You're probably fine, long as you're not a thief
'Cos if you are, your career will be brief...
Chorus: Joe Dredd is a dutiful lawman, and he's got a powerful gun
With which he can hit any target, so make sure that you are not one
Dredd operates in Mega-City
He's clever and strong (though not pretty)
He's by far the best policeman that you ever saw
So don't argue with him, 'cos he is the law...
Chorus: Judge Dredd is a dutiful lawman, he's got more lives than a cat
But we don't know what he looks like, 'cos he never takes off his hat
