By Harry Harrison

What you are about to read is a true story. Well, I mean, almost a true story. Which means that while all the parts are true, perhaps the author took a little artistic licence in interpreting them.

Look - it's a true story because the military and the military mind do exist. Since the dawn of time there has only been one universal army. A lot of guys have volunteered for this universal army; far more have been drafted. (In history for 'drafted' read pressed - or conscripted, enslaved, hit on the head.) It all adds up to the same thing. You are in the army.

Some years ago I was trading army stories - all about lies, lays, drunks, work-dodging, etc. - with my old friend, that great science fiction writer, Brian W. Aldiss. A young listener gaped at these sordid revelations - then interrupted.

"But, excuse me kind sirs, you, Mr. Harrison, are an American - and Mr. Aldiss is English. You certainly could not have been in the same army."

Brian nodded sagely and said, "My dear stripling - there is only one army. The Roman drill sergeant shouted 'Sinister, Dexter', while the German Feldwebel gutterly intoned 'Links, Rechte.' But in the fullness of time and down through the ages, they all believed the same way, acted the same way, lived the same way. The military mind, while being thoroughly disgusting, murderous and alcoholic, is nevertheless eternal."

Ahh, you may ask, just what is this military mind? Shuddering, damp with a cold sweat, you are about to find out. What exactly is the secret of military thinking? You, lucky reader, will very shortly discover the answer to this universal question. How privileged you are! You don't have to be drafted, deloused, debrained, whipped or wanked, hectored or humiliated in order to find out. Lucky you!

Instead of suffering the indignities, pain, possible circumcision, probable death that would be your lot if you served in this universal army - you can now discover the entire truth in a totally painless way. You can bulge your eyes as you read and enjoy the beautiful artwork here, the deathless prose (written by me), the laughter, the joy, the shortarm inspections. You can learn all that you ever wanted to know about the army and were afraid to ask.

Harry Harrison, 1994.

Introduction to Bill, the Galactic Hero, Issue 1, published by Topps Comics, July 1994.